Earlier this week, my partner and I sat down and spoke with Rhona Berens - professional certified coach, and founder of PARENT ALLIANCE™ and fellow toddler mom. It was an experience that I would invite anyone interested in improving their relationship with their spouse to try. For an hour, the three of us discussed a number of elements that put pressure on a family/couple's relationship. 

So often you think, if only we had more money, were less busy, spent more time together, etc., we wouldn't have these problems; let's face it, there are a lot of 'if onlies'. My partner and I identified a number of areas as hot topics in our relationship. Rhona provides a questionnaire that she suggests you complete individually, but share with one and other, so that she may gain a better understanding of some potential issues that may be discussed or addressed during your session. Interestingly enough, what I got out of this session most was that there were some fundamental elements to our current relationship (post baby) that had gone missing or faded away, and consequently new ones have introduced themselves - all without even noticing. Rhona talked about mourning the loss of our past lives - both as a couple and as individuals. This made a lot of sense to me and a number of light bulbs went off in my head. For sure both of us miss elements of our previous life. We also enjoy new parts of our relationship that we would never want to lose - foremost our daughter, who makes us smile whenever we look at her - except perhaps when she is screaming sleepless at 2 am. Regardless, we uncovered issues that rooted from the way things used to be and how they have changed. It was really enlightening and uplifting. 

Rhona's site blogs about parenting and thriving as a new parent - www.parentalliance.wordpress.com . I don't know how many people really think about this, but as a mother of a 17 month old, I have had 17 months to think about this and I now believe it is paramount to work even harder on your relationship with your spouse once a wee one is introduced. Not only does the quantitative dynamic of the household change, but the qualitative as well. Her coaching for new parents has a more open approach because as we all know, no two relationships are the same and customizing your relationship's needs are the only way to work towards an ideal state. 

Interestingly Rhona offers sessions for expectant parents; these sessions address positive conflict resolution, identifying roles and responsibilities and has a more canned approach (as Pandora's box is still somewhat closed). I think this is awesome and essential. Had we known about this we would have definitely considered it. We did attended prenatal classes, our midwives told us all sorts of things; I read a number of books - for parents and moms, and my partner read daddy books as well. Somehow certain details were missed. Sure there is discussion surrounding sleep deprevation, and crying babies; but there was an absence of advice surrounding the tension all this brings to a relationship; the helpless fathers feel when they can't soothe their baby the same way the mother can. There is no advice on how to explain to your partner that the baby loves and needs them as well, and they should not take it personally. These are the details that the advice givers tend to over look, and often advice seekers don't think to ask because they are far too stressed to even see it as a question. 

By reading through Rhona's blog, and listening to her explain the philosophy of her coaching, she tries to help you, as parents and a couple, identify a desired atmosphere and work towards it. She wants you to learn how to be a team once a child has been introduced to the family dynamic; and she helps you determine the values you hold as an individual and as a couple. Basically, her coaching will help you design a relationship that will suit both you as a couple and as individuals. This is so important. While listening to her, I kept thinking how much training like this would help everyone and perhaps even help relieve certain symptoms captured as post partum depression by all family members. By opening up the lines of communication - which is hard for even the best of them, much confusion, resentment, distress, and other overwhelming negative factors that often cause tension between a couple could be significantly reduced. 

Take a look at her blog along with the services she offers. It is a good read and thought provoking. It is nice to see that there is constructive guidance available, recognizing there is no 'right answer' for everyone, rather addressing the past and the present and acknowledging that this (being a parent and a couple and a family) is hard work.